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My Postapocalyptic Resume

In these turbulent times, I think we all agree we’d like to be as prepared as possible for whatever comes our way.  If some sudden catastrophe means we’re going back to bands of loosely organised communities with little or no central sociopolitical structures, I want to make sure I get in with the right group.  With this in mind, I’ve been working on brushing up my postapocalyptic resume.


Personal Statement

A highly dynamic and motivated postapocalyptic professional with a proven track record of creative survival skills.  Let’s help each other stay alive by developing our strategic core competencies to address this new world paradigm.

Craft & Artisanship

  • Needlework. Crochet is great for keeping warm with cozy hats and scarves, but all those plastic bags hanging around after the apocalypse can also be cut up and crocheted into waterproof sleeping rolls.  Needle felting, a more specialised handicraft, can be used to repair and patch as well as creating new objects.  Yours can be the most stylish moth-eaten postapocalytpic sarapes in the known world.
  • Small object repair.  I have a pair of pliers and I know how to use them.

Cooking & Ration Management

  • Cooking.  I am widely acknowledged to be a skilled cook for large groups.  I’ve been taking the lead on Thanksgiving planning & delivery for many years, not to mention Sunday roasts, Christmas, Easter, birthdays ending in 0, and other festive occasions.
  • Ration Management.  I’ve been cooking for and with teams since my youth summer leadership training programs as an early teen, which taught me effective menu planning, discipline in portion sizes, and creative combinations of ingredients when things don’t quite go to plan.

Leadership, Mediation, and General Emotional Labour

  • Talent recognition & development.  I have a proven talent for recognising and nurturing people’s capabilities through identifying what will naturally motivate their most creative and productive work.  In a chaotic and uncertain situation with unprecedented challenges, our survival will depend on getting the best out of every self-organising socio-labour unit at every moment.
  • Conflict Mediation.  As a highly empathetic person, I am also skilled at balancing conflicting needs and ambitions in diverse teams, something that will become increasingly important in a highly pressurised postapocalyptic future.
  • Emotional Labour.  My caring disposition means that I have a natural tendency to absorb the stress of people around me.  Did you have to read The Giver when you were in school?  Well I did, and I can tell you there’s a reason the town in the novel chose to make one person responsible for all the emotional memory of the whole society.  Let me help you preserve harmony by processing all your community’s strife on your behalf.

Cultural Analysis

  • Anthropology.  As pockets of society grow increasingly isolated from one another, this insularity will undoubtedly lead to rapid cultural fragmentation among small groups.  With a PhD rooted in anthropological methods, I can help you understand and work effectively with your increasingly strange neighbouring tribes.
  • Storytelling.  With my deep understanding of human nature, I am a creative communicator.  We won’t need powerpoint presentations to the board, but we will need ways to fill those long dark hours without Netflix.

I hope this helps you be vigilant in preparing your own postapocalyptic resume.  On a more serious note, I hope this helps you think about skills you possess which transcend your everyday use of them and how you might employ them in extraordinary situations.  You never know when you might need them.

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